Ok. All of you. Now. Read this.
If you see nothing wrong, kindly relocate to Atlantis.
The rest of you, see my twitter feed.
I will articulate properly at a later date. For now. Wtf.
EDIT: Here is my attempt to articulate in the face of such utter shite. I ask you to please mark any coherent sentences with punctuation as a gargantuan achievment. plz and thx.
I signed into twitter at about lunch time and there was an unholy shitstorm on my feed about Liz Jones. She was also trending nationwide. Fortunately somebody had had the good sense to link to the article without driving traffic towards the Daily Fail site. Here is the freezepage for your viewing pleasure. I will quote choice extracts here. As my friend Rachael pointed out, every paragraph is pure nonsensical gold.
The premise of the article is the fact that Liz Jones is making her most shocking confession yet. The content of the article is Liz Jones taking the sticky, horrific tar of her own serious personal problems and slapping it all over the face of womankind. She basically had a series of relationships with men who had no interest in a family and stole their sperm in an attempt to impregnate herself. No. Really. She did.
She starts her article by highlighting the inevitablity of the maternal instinct, which she uses as an excuse for the violation of several partners. When she was younger, she was free of her lunacy.
As a feminist, I looked down on mumsy types.
I know several awesome feminists with wonderful children and families. And as my friend Laura pointed out, Liz Jones is not a feminist.
Her motives were entirely reasonable:
Because he wouldn’t give me what I wanted, I decided to steal it from him. I resolved to steal his sperm from him in the middle of the night. I thought it was my right, given that he was living with me and I had bought him many, many M&S ready meals.
Because, you know, the lifelong committment to raise and care for a child can be bought with microwave dinners.
The ‘theft’ itself was alarmingly easy to carry out. One night, after sex, I took the used condom and, in the privacy of the bathroom, I did what I had to do. Bingo.
Don’t put theft in quote marks. You did steal his semen. You did violate him. And bingo? What sort of fucked up card are you playing from? Misogyny *stamp* Bad Life Choices *stamp* Theft of bodily fluids *stamp* BINGO!
It’s from here that she goes from batshit insane to downright dangerous. She moves from saying what she did was shocking, to implicating that all men are at risk from such mindless insanity. This is clearly something all women do. We just want babies. Secretly. Secret babies. We want to get pregnant by devious methods or the fun just isn’t in it.
if a woman disappears to the loo immediately after sex, I suggest you find out exactly what she is up to.
Ok, great. Now every woman following the sound advice to have a wee after sex is under suspicion from any impressionable male reader. Nice one, Jones. Dudes: women who disappear after sex are either magic or peeing. Women will usually prefer you to impregnate them while she is in your presence, just FYI.
What really riles me up about this is the idea that all women are conniving deceitful liars like Liz Jones says she is. She’s taking her own actions and extrapolating. Obviously women are a monolith. A semen stealing monolith who are not to be trusted with anything ever.
Her first attempt doesn’t work, so she finds another man who doesn’t want babies and tries the same with him. She at least, you will be pleased to know, had the decency to marry him first. Marriage is best founded on completely separate family plans. She has clearly learned from her mistake.
At least on this occasion we were married, which you might think would — should — give a woman every right to want to start a family. But my husband was 14 years younger than me, and he had told me he was not ready for children.
Don’t know if you people were aware, wedding dresses now have behaviour altering drugs in them to make women want babies. If you are married and have no desire for children, please visit your dressmaker immediately for a refund.
She goes on, getting worse and worse. She gives anecdotal evidence of “friends” who are just as insane as she is. Giving warning to men not to trust women in their late thirties or early fourties. This is when we’re most dangerous and the succubus emerges from under our harmless feminine exterior.
I don’t even want to spend my time spelling out exactly why she’s crazy. The lies and baseless assumptions about 50% of the population here are too many and too depressing to list. This is bad and she should feel bad. She won’t, though.